We always welcome feedback from like-minded crusaders of the Free Market Economy. All suitable correspondence will be posted below.

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Contributors Questions

Why does Me First, and the ACT party, always pick on low income earners?

A. Petrie, Hamilton.

Have you ever tried picking on a wealthy person who could afford a good lawyer? We're like the U.S. army - we don't attack anyone unless we are 100% guaranteed to win.  

Dear Penthouse, 

I always thought that the letters in your magazine were fake, until I had an encounter that seemed as if it came straight from the pages of your letters department. I work for an electricity company, and my job involves going into peoples homes and checking their electricity meters. One particular day I turned up at a large house in the North Shore, and the front door was answered by an attractive young woman wearing a satin robe. She eyed me up and down, and purred the words 'come in, big boy'. She said to me that she would like to see my special tool, so I opened my work bag and slowly pulled out my insulated, current-detecting screwdriver. 'No' she breathed, 'I mean your other tool'. I dropped my screwdriver and she began to.....CENSORED BY ORDER OF INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER.........And when we were finished I put my screwdriver back in the workbag. She winked at me, and said that I could "check her love meter" same time next month. 

Craig, Mission Bay

Dear Craig; Perhaps next time you send more than one letter at once you should carefully look at the envelope that you put each letter into. This is a centre-right political site - our readers get sexually excited about money. Nevertheless, the staff here enjoyed your letter immensely. I personally have gained much pleasure from it and have read it three times today already. It has now been blu-tacked to the toilet wall here at Me First headquarters, right next to the provocative full-frontal poster of ex-treasurer Sir William Birch. 

Do you accept financial support from large corporations in return for favours?

Corporate Bigshot, Auckland

Do we? Is the Pope Catholic? Is Jim Anderton an undercover agent working for the World Communist Federation? Of course we do.

My friend says that ACT are like the Nazis. Is this true?

Concerned, Bay of Plenty

Don't be ridiculous. The Nazis created full employment and built a network of state funded highways and roads. The ACT Party are nothing like the Nazis. 

  The first time I saw Richard Prebble's book "I've been thinking", the cover was partially obscured and I misread the book's title. I thought that it was called "I've been wanking". I couldn't get the picture out of my mind of him sneaking into a toilet cubicle to real an illicit copy of Business Review Weekly, imagining that he was on the trading floor of the New York Stock Exchange. The thought made me feel sick. Anyway, what I really wanted to say was that I read the book, and I think it is bullshit. The whole idea that drastically reducing government intervention in the day to day running of the nation and cutting taxes. will do squat to make the economy grow. That is a total load of tosh. And the idea that we would all be better off with ACT's lower taxes is a joke. Even a four year old could work out that, along with reduced taxes, ACT would also offer reduced government services. These services would then be offered by the private sector. I can't see these private enterprises giving away their services for free. Surely if you save money in one area you will have to spend it in another. ACT's policies just don't add up.

Joachim Ferris, New Brighton, Christchurch

I would like to spend five minutes locked in a room with you and a sawn-off baseball bat. The likes of you make me sick, with your leftie, tall poppy syndrome basher of the financially successful. ACT's policies are sound economic sense. I have made a list of my income and expenditures under both the current taxation system and under the system proposed by ACT, and I will clearly be better off under ACT's model. Don't you dare tell me that their policies don't add up. 

I am a low income earner. Could you list below the things that ACT and National, if elected, will do to help people like me?

Carla P.

Dear Me First; I am greedy and proud of it. I have more than enough money to spend in a lifetime but as yet I don't have enough to spend in three lifetimes. My greatest wish is for free healthcare for children to be abolished, so that I could get another tax cut. What do you think?

Judy S, Wellington Central.

Judy, you are a woman after my own heart. If you lived here in Auckland I would consider having a sordid affair with you behind my wife's back. You are the sort of person that this country needs more of.

Dear Me First; I have traditionally voted National, but I feel that Jenny Shipley has an uncanny similarity to a Persian cat that has just finished killing and eating an endangered native bird. Who should I vote for?

Confused, Taupo

Choosing a party to vote for is a decision not to be taken lightly. We feel that Labour and Alliance are not serious options in the upcoming election. Both parties seem more interested in helping people than in governing a nation. If you are over seventy five years old I recommend New Zealand First. For everybody else, the firm but sensible free market rationalism of ACT is hard to beat.

My son has not enrolled to vote. What should I do?

A. Thomson, Christchurch

Don't do anything. Many young people have their heads full of stupid left-wing ideas, and they are definitely not the sort of people we want having a say in the future direction New Zealand takes. Tell him that it is "cool" not to vote.